"Wanting To Be Better..." to "Raw Wonderment..."

I find it more and more difficult to find the "off" switch.  Life has become so exciting and fulfilling, I can't seem to get enough of it...and I want it to shape me. I want to strive to be better, and become better, in all ways always.  OMG, my life is kind of like crack.  Who would've ever thought my life would feel like a drug to me, and there aren't the nasty side effects, and everyday is better than the last, being able to "chase that high" and it always feels like the first time...and sometimes, when nothing "good" happens, the only thing that makes it better than the day before is the mere fact that it's different.  There really are no "bad days" when you can learn and grow from everything that comes your way.  I like easy days and happiness...but I crave growth and the struggles are what give me strength.  I want more and more of life and experiences, and I don't even care what happens (don't get me wrong, I have my dreams and desires for it, and I will diligently pursue them), but wherever my life leads me, I will enjoy and truly be in every moment of it.  I feel comfortable saying I'm along for the ride, because it's so clear that no matter what happens, it's ALL GOOD.  I've been low and I've been high and I might be low again...and I might get even higher than I've been, and it's ALL GOOD.  I get it now...I look forward to expanding more on this topic.  

...but I digress...

Drugs are addictive and take us away from and out of life, we aren't in the moment when we alter ourselves.  I guess, however hackneyed it is to say this, life is my drug.  I want to use every moment in the best and most efficient way I can, and if I don't do that, I feel so unsatisfied...beyond that, like I just can't be satiated enough.  I want to grow and learn and love and do everything better and more than I ever have...I want to get along with people in a different way than before (that doesn't mean be EVERYONE's friend, but get along with), and learn SO much.

I can't learn enough. I have a thirst that I've been trying to quench.  It's been like this for over a month now...since a major change happened in my life (that I'll share about at a later date).  In writing about this now, it seems frenzied...but it's not.  Conversely, it's my whole entire life that was frenzied up until recently.  Now, even though I seem like a ravenous creature reaching for every fruit from every tree and taking a bite then tossing it aside to grab more and more...I actually feel a sense of weightlessness and such calm.  Every moment matters...EVERY SINGLE MOMENT MATTERS...and I will enjoy these moments.  I will float through the trees and marvel at all of the different fruits; looking at some, smelling others, tasting this one, eating that one, giving away this one...and being ever so grateful and appreciative to the trees that bear them. Some things take me out of the moment.  Other things do more than that and actually seem to take me away from WHO I AM, I'm going to call those growing pains for now...but I just remind myself that I can use everything to learn and grow to some degree.  

I'm working diligently to clean up the first part of my life...I'm going through a metamorphosis.  It's difficult to write about it all, for many reasons.  First and foremost, I'm private...I don't want people to know much about me, and I think that's okay.  But I want to put myself out there a little more...little by little.  I might look back on this blog post and think, "You should've stuck with your 'drawings' and one liners!"  And that's cool too. :)  When I'm out in public, I don't talk to people all the time, I can be shy and awkward and a lot of times people might wonder, "What the heck is up with that one?!".  I'm here.  I am me...and I've just started to figure out who I really am.  Along this path I'm on, I want to help everyone I can discover who they (YOU) really are too.  It's a beautiful thing.  I don't know how I'll do it, but honesty is a start...and I honestly couldn't be more enamored with life.  I've always wanted to write; I certainly think a lot, but it's a lot different to actually get the words out.  This is a blog, I know.  It's public for the world to see, and that's a little scary for me...it's easier to stay quiet and safe.  I'm putting myself out there, not asking you to accept me or agree with me, but just hear me and try to understand me...I'll be doing the same too (with myself and with you).

One last thing about all this...this is MY BLOG.  What does that mean to me?  Why am I so possessive about it?  Because it's a little window into me...and it won't always make sense...and it won't always flow or have prose...it may be too short or too long...speaking of too short...Did you know I got on stage at an event in Northern California when Too Short (a famous rapper) was supposed to get on stage and perform?  He had a warrant for his arrest and the cops were waiting for him to show up.  The moment before he was to perform, he got rolled (arrested).  The MC (host) was figuring out what to do with the gap in time before the DJ kicked it up again. I went to the side stage, got his okay, and I jumped on stage and proceeded to throw out the product I was representing at the time into the audience for about a minute or two.

Ha ha You see, like that little detour we just took above?  Yeah, that sort of thing might happen from time to time.  (Some call it ADHD/ADD, I call it just being me.  To quote my best friend, "That's a whole other topic for another day." Don't even get me STARTED on that topic now! We're rising above and beyond classifications, designations, affiliations, and the misdiagnosednation.)

I don't know where this is going, but I'm starting somewhere, and this is where I choose. :)

I also know that it takes time to do more than think, hence the reason for my short quips rather than drawn out typing...and editing, censoring and proofreading takes even more time, which I'm not going to take the time to do right now.  RAW Wünderment, if you will...my wonderment for life seen raw without a filter.  It'll be fun to see how this develops...and if nobody ever reads this, I'm still just as stoked on everything because it's helping me grow by the mere existence of this website. Thank you...